Adrenaline Drain
When all this started a month ago, I had a can-do attitude. I was getting things accomplished. I rallied the troops at work while memorizing the CDC website. I lectured my parents and in-laws to get them on board with social distancing. I watched Beshear, DeWine, and Trump. I enthusiastically encouraged my boys about NTI. I planned video calls with friends, family, moms, church groups, etc.
I was sleeping about 4-5 hours on a good night, but man, the adrenaline was coursing through my veins, so I was good to go. Over the last week, it’s become more and more apparent that this level of productivity is not something I am capable of sustaining.
Every day of work is very busy. I don’t want to complain about work because so many people I know and love do not have work as an option. I’m grateful to work, but when I hear people talking about all the time they have to do projects around their house, I’m certainly not experiencing that. I’m trying to keep my head above water. Trying to maintain relationships with loved ones while my energy levels are running low.
I’m tired. My heart aches for people who are losing loved ones. I’m scared for my friends who work in healthcare. I’m worried about the ramifications of long-term unemployment and economic struggle. I’m concerned about the protests and ground swells of civil unrest. I’m frustrated trying to procure disinfecting wipes and spray while wondering if I need it more than others. I wonder if wearing a mask during my one trip to Kroger was overreacting. I’m struggling to envision the world my boys are inheriting without sadness creeping into my mind.
I truly have no idea how this is going to play out. What does an end to social distancing look like? How do we rebuild the economy? Will my parents every be able to leave the farm again? When can my boys be allowed to hug their grandparents again?
I know I’ll pull it together and keep moving forward, but tonight I’m wallowing in the uncertainty. I hope you’re in a better mental space than I am, but I suspect you can relate.
